Disorganization and Reorganization, Part Two

After the stages of shock, protest, and disorganization in the process of grief and healing comes the final stage—reorganization.

The numbness begins to ease and the happy memories are less frequently followed by feelings of loss or of regrets. When we come across a photograph, we can smile while remembering how happy the person was when the photo was taken. Perhaps it was when we had done something special with them, and they had always treasured that memory. Knowing the happiness of the moment, we know we gave the person a gift of love. And if sadness threatens to return, we have become much more skilled at softly saying "No."

Reorganization is a time of changing direction. The time for looking back with thoughts of "Why didn't I do better?" and of brief glimpses at the future with fears of "What now?" lessen. We are able to look at the future more optimistically. Regrets and fears have begun to recede.

Spending more time with the happy memories and the appreciation of having had the person in our lives for the time that we did, we begin to make choices of how to live with our new roles. We tell ourselves that this is what the person would have wanted. And unlike before, we no longer reject this thought because it hurts too much. Our patterns of living adjust and we are more comfortable with those adjustments.

Knowing that there will still be pain and sadness, we understand that it is time to move forward.

Disorganization and Reorganization, Part One

The stages in the grief and healing process are shock, protest, disorganization, and reorganization.

In disorganization, reality begins to settle in. The person who was such an important part of our life is gone. Leaden numbness settles into our heart. She is gone, and no matter how much it hurts, that fact is not going to change. What was not said or done will remain unsaid, undone. What we wish we had never said or done, will remain with us forever.

We did not do everything perfectly. We wanted to. But we kept getting hooked by our preoccupation with ourselves and by our habitual carelessness.

But it's okay. The person we miss also did not do everything perfectly, and yet we have brushed this aside because we understand what he or she was going through. We weren't the only one doing this.

The reality is that we are at our most relaxed when with loved ones. Our guard down because we are secure in the person's unconditional love, we become thoughtless. We forget our good intentions and get caught up in all the stuff we consider important. Most likely, the other person understood this. And with understanding, just as we did, brushed our imperfections aside.    

Doer of Good

When after a long absence,
a man safely returns home from afar,
his relatives, friends, and well-wishers
welcome him home upon arrival. 

As kinsman welcome a dear one on arrival,
even so his own good deeds
will welcome the doer of good
who has gone from this world to the next. 

The Dhammapada
translated by Venerable Buddharakkhita

Greed, Fear, Anger, Retaliation

While we wish to be caring and tolerant, we often fall back into our bad habits of acting otherwise. Once again, we become trapped by our negative emotions.  

In the grip of these negative feelings, we react to other people, to our situations, not out of the wish to help others but from the compelling urge to protect ourselves. Anger arises when we are selfish, when we are only thinking of what we want but failed to obtain. The other person does not go along with our ideas—we do not receive their agreement and praise for our cleverness. The article we want eludes us—we do not possess the object we are convinced would make us happy. The person we desire rejects us—we are alone and afraid.

All these fears lie at the core of our anger. We convince ourselves that the ideas, the possessions, the person will make us happy. We want it to happen. We expect it to happen! But our expectations fail to materialize. Happiness once again eludes us. Instead of looking at ourselves to see if we perhaps were the cause, we blame others for arguing with us, for not giving us what we deserve to have, for not loving us as we hope. And so our fear of not being admired by others, our fear of not having what others have, our fear of being lonely and alone arise. We strike back defensively at those around us. We strike at those we perceive as having robbed us of what we wanted, of what we felt we deserved to obtain, and of what we believe others already have. We are afraid.

In our fear, we feel vulnerable. In our insecurity and anxiety, our fear gives birth to anger. We may hold our bitterness, resentment, or pain inside, or we may react by striking out at the other person. Either way, we give in to anger once again. In the same way, our family members give in to anger. Friends and co-workers give in to anger. Those with power and the means to inflict great harm give in to anger. And our world is engulfed in greed and disappointment, in ignorance and delusion, and in anger and retaliation.

Not just individuals but groups of people, bound together by ethnicity, religion, or by politics, react in the same way. Greed. Fear. Anger. Revenge. What is the answer? How do we resolve conflict and attain peace?

Wishful thinking will not end the hatred and intolerance in the world. Merely reading books will not solve our problems. Relying on others certainly does not work. The only way to create peace is through hard work and dedication, and by understanding how much is at stake here. We, each one of us, must be dedicated. We must do the hard work.

Not Even By a Buddha

Periodically, I am asked why the Buddha—an awakened being with perfect compassion and wisdom—does not end the suffering in our world. Why he doesn't help us.

The Buddha knew the problems of humanity. He had experienced them. But he overcame those problems. He awoke through the practice of morality, concentration, and wisdom. He experienced the truth of the cosmos. He found the path to awakening and left clear guidelines to enable us to follow after him. But that was all he could do—leave guidelines.

As compassionate as Buddhas are, they are unable to go against the natural laws of the universe. They know the truth. And they know the natural laws that govern the universe cannot be changed. Not even by a Buddha. So, as much as they want to help us, Buddhas cannot undo what we have already set into motion.

I created my life. Only I can change it. You created your own life. Only you can change it. Others created their lives. Only they can change their lives. Our lives today are the direct result of what we thought, what we said, and what we did in our yesterdays. As we have learned, our todays, just like our yesterdays, are lived in a world engulfed in greed and anger, a world enveloped in ignorance and delusion. A world created by all of us. A world that can only be changed by each one of us.