But That's Not What I Said!
July 25, 2008 Question: I work in a small office and recently one of my co-workers told the others I had asked why something was done in a certain way. Saying this made me sound really dumb. What I had said was that I knew why something was done in a certain way but thought another way would be more helpful to our customers and then asked the person what she thought about changing.
This is not the first time something like this has happened and I feel like I should set the record straight and let the others know what I really said. I'm the only one she does this to and it's really bothering me.
Response: When something like this happens our first reaction is often to become angry and defensive. Largely because we're embarrassed. We know the person isn't reporting what happened correctly. If this is a singular instance, we can credit it to the other person's not remembering accurately. But when it happens a few times, we become more irritated because it feels like the person is acting intentionally.
To "set the record" straight, you might go to the other person and try to settle the situation amicably. To do this we first need to let go of our anger. This would be easier to do if it was just the first or second time something like this happened. The more this has happened and the more we tell ourselves how unfair and wrong this person is, the more difficult it will be for us to speak calmly and wisely. And the greater the risk of making a difficult situation worse!
Usually in such a situation it is our ego that is hurt. No one likes to appear "dumb." We worry about what our other co-workers will think of us. We tell ourselves it's not fair and wonder what we did to deserve this mistreatment. After all, we've always been nice to this person!
The situation mentioned is most likely karmic. We need to calm down and tell ourselves that we must have done something to deserve this. Basically, the person is not being a loyal co-worker. If we honestly believe we have never been disloyal to this person (and we need to be completely honest in examining our behavior here), we can ask whether we have been perfectly loyal to all our other co-workers. To all our family members? To all our friends? Did we ever exaggerate something about them or speak unkindly about them because we were irritated with something they did, or didn't do?
If we did—and most of us will have done so—then we're not the complete innocent we thought we were in the above scenario. Realizing this, it will be easier to let go of our sense that what happened is unjustified and unfair.
We also need to remind ourselves that our co-workers will not think less of us based on a few things someone says about us. Instead of trying to defend ourselves—and thus create more problems for the future—we can remain quiet. Out energy will be better spent on being a loyal co-worker and a competent, not dumb, employee.
Reader Comments (4)
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Exactly. Even our failure to smile or say good morning has the potential to foster a seed of animosity. Most of the time we are completely unaware of having contributed to a problem.