The First Turn is the Hardest

We often hear in Buddhism that we should never make an enemy. Additionally, we should turn enemies into friends.

Essentially, we need to turn, and this will be ever so slowly at first, the relationship around. It's the first turn that's the hardest. It starts with what we tell ourselves about the other person. We try to still the negative chatter and replace it with something positive. Also, we look for their suffering. We replace our frustrated, complaining thoughts with those that are empathetic and caring. Then we'll be ready.

During your next interaction with the person, look for something they do for you that you can label "kind." The kindness may very well not have come from a kind intention. The other person may have been thinking that you're so inept that she needs to do something for you or you'll mess it up! That's okay. What matters at this point is not the other person's intention, but rather how you choose to interpret their action and react to it. By choosing to focus on the kind act instead of the unkind intention, you have the opportunity to react out of kindness. And so you say a sincere thank you.

The other person may not seem to notice your appreciation, but it will register with them nonetheless. Every thought, word, and act is registered in our Alaya consciousness, so your sincere thank you is "recorded." 

Hopefully, during the next interaction, that appreciative seed will arise and they will be a little less annoyed with you or maybe even do something sincerely thoughtful. If, so you will have made that first turn in the relationship. The following ones will gradually be more frequent and easier.

But if that first appreciative thank you seed does not arise, don't throw up your hands in frustration and revert to negative behavior. Remind yourself of their earlier kindness and focus on that. Continue to look for their suffering so you can view them more compassionately. At some point that seed of your first sincere "thank you" will mature. The odds will be better if you keep planting similar seeds in their Alaya consciousness. Any gardener knows that if you plant several flower seeds instead of just one, you'll have a much better chance of having flowers. 

As you're doing this practice, remind yourself that all we can hope to control is our own thoughts and emotions. We have no control over how others will react. Regardless of how the other person reacts to us, we are planting those seeds of kindness in our own Alaya consciousness as well.

So while I may only be able to walk by my neighbor's barren yard and toss in a few flower seeds in hopes they will grow and bring him happiness, I can plant those seeds all over my garden. Caring for them, I'll have a beautiful garden.

And who knows, after seeing it he may ask for a few seeds for a garden of his own.

Comments

[Sue K]

As I think of making an ememy into a friend, I think of this task in the Middle East. I can only hope that on this Yom Kippur many turns were made.

[anybody]

Seeing or looking for their suffering really is the only way to keep it all together or let it go, however you want to say it. Thanks for the reminders.

anybody

[Judy]

Thank you Venerable, for this reminder that even when I feel I am hitting my head on the brick wall of another's obstinancy to move on, I am still preparing a softened area for my seeds of kindness and forgiveness to grow!