Nurture Affinities and Resolve Enmities

The causes of affinity are very complex, so the Buddha grouped them into four categories to facilitate understanding.

The first is to repay kindness, the second is to exact revenge, the third is to collect debts, and the fourth is to repay debts. Any of these four kinds of affinity exist among the members of a family, or else they would not become family. One also has one or more of these four kinds of affinity with those one interacts with during one’s lifetime.

The difference is how strong or weak the affinity is. Those who share a strong affinity become family members. If the affinity is not so strong, they become relatives or friends. If the affinity is weak, they become acquaintances. If the affinity is very weak, they may just pass each other on the street, and nod and smile at each other.

If they have no affinity at all, they would not even nod or smile at each other. One also has an affinity with someone who may glare at one, but this affinity is very weak. One may encounter this person only once in the entire lifetime.

Ancient Chinese often said that if you have an affinity with someone, you will travel thousands of miles to meet each other, but if you have no affinity with that person, you may not look at each other even when you come face to face.

If you have been kind to someone in past lifetimes, in this lifetime, this person would be very kind to you. When you are in trouble, he or she will help you wholeheartedly to repay kindness.

If someone takes a dislike to you and often insults and slanders you, and even harms you, this person is taking revenge on you.

If someone defrauds or robs you of your money or belongings, this person is collecting debts from you.

If someone helps you make money so that you can be well off financially, this person is repaying debts to you.

The examples of causality, of cause and effect relationships in the four basic kinds of affinities are numerous, but we can see the general idea—we need to nurture good relationships and resolve enmities.

~ Based on Ven. Master Chin Kung's 2003 lecture series on the Amitabha Sutra

Comments

[Winston Hoo]

Dear Venerable Wuling, it's a very nice post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

Amituofo.

[Venerable Wuling]

Winston, the entry is based on Ven. Master Chin Kung's 2003 talk on the Amitabha Sutra. It's a wonderful talk but the translation of Teacher's talk and my subsequent talk will take much time to complete. The blog provides a way to release the concepts quickly.

I'm publishing the entries under the "Amitabha Sutra Commentary" category.

Amituofo

[Yvonne Hammond]

Dear Venerable: I have a question regarding the 4 affinities. What if a person loves a person and hurts them unintentionally? For example: I read in the paper today about a woman who was in a traffic accident with her little boy in which it was her fault, and the boy died. In which category does this fit in? It couldn't be revenge, because she loved her son dearly. This is a hard one to understand.

[Venerable Wuling]

Dear Yvonne, Since we know so little about the situation, it is not clear what the relationship between the mother and son was. Knowing so little, we should not try to categorize which affinity they belong to.

Cause and effect is very complicated. The four affinities are difficult to sort out because our relationships with people around us are usually a mixture of these four types. Thus, they are not clear-cut.

I have been told of a story of a mother whose children died soon after they were born. The mother became very depressed. In this particular story, the children were indeed there to take revenge on their mother to make her sad.

But what the exact affinity is is not important. The important thing is what we can do in our present life to change a bad affinity to a better one. We can do this by practicing good deeds; by regretting all the wrongs we, our family, relatives and friends have done to others, their families, relatives and friends; and, finally, by dedicating the merits from our cultivation to all beings.

Amituofo, and thank you for the good question.

[Yvonne Hammond]

Dear Venerable:

Your story of the children dying after being born reminds me of Jizo/Ksitagarbha. While in Japan, I learned of this Bodhisattva who is said to save the souls of children who die before their parents and are unable to cross the mythical Sanzu River on their way to the afterlife because they have not had the chance to accumulate good deeds and because they've made their parents suffer. It is beleived that Jizo/Ksitagarbha save these souls from having to pile stones eternally on the bank of the river as penance, by hiding them from demons in his robe and letting them hear mantras. Everywhere I went in Japan, I saw Jizo statues with stones piled in stacks, stuffed toys and red bibs on the statues left by bereaved parents, it was so touching. I still find the 4 affinities difficult to understand as I too had a miscarraige before I had my last child. I like to think that the baby wasn't ready to be born yet and came to me later and is now my last child!

You are right when you say that the exact affinity is not important. What's important is living by the precepts, regretting our wrongdoings and helping others on the path...