When learning of another’s pain, 

remember this is about them.

When someone summons the courage to tell us of something terrible that happened to them, we may fall speechless. Not knowing what best to say, we may mumble how sorry we are and can’t imagine what he is going through.

Alternatively, we may relate how we understand because something disturbing also happened to us. And then detail what happened.

The first response is at least indicative of how we sincerely care.

The second response focuses on the wrong person—on us.

So what can we say instead?

“Thank you. Thank you for trusting that I will support you.” With that the person knows we will not diminish their hurt. Yes, this opening is from our perspective but the point of focus is on the other person, on their suffering. After this, we listen attentively, trying to understand what they are thinking and feeling, which may be somewhat overwhelming. But it will help us figure how best to alleviate the suffering.