How Can I Stop Being Angry With Myself for all the Terrible Things I Have Done?

Question: It seems that every aspect of life has gone wrong these days; personal, professional, health--everything. It is easy in times like these to beat oneself up, especially since life's circumstances are generated by karma i.e. the consequence of one's own thought, speech or action. My question, then, is this...how can I stop being so angry with me, to the point of despising myself at times, because it seems all my fault, a karmic "butt-kicking" if you will? My negative thinking is counter-productive, and makes me feel unworthy of progress toward enlightenment. What is the remedy for this poison thinking? How may I be as loving & compassionate with myself as with someone else? Please offer your advice. Thank you for your kind attention.

Response: The first of the four great vows of Buddhas and bodhisattvas is "Sentient beings are innumerable, I vow to help them all." We are one of those beings, so we need to help ourselves as well with patience and forgiveness.

How?

Instead of feeling guilty over what we did in the past, we need to let go of the guilt and chant "Amituofo." 

In other words, don't dwell on past mistakes, do something to eliminate them.

If we are angry about the wrong things we have done in the past, we will not only not be eliminating them, we'll be creating more! Chanting "Amituofo" will help cleanse some of the past bad karmas while doing good karmas. We're supposed to understand cause and effect not just to know why bad things are happening and not blame others for our problems, but to be able to create better conditions for our future.

In our practice, we don't just forgive others, we also need to forgive ourselves. We were--and are--just as ignorant as others. We need to recognize that we did bad things so we don't repeat them, not to beat ourselves up over having done them!

Each of us needs to let go. Not just of the things we like, not just the good stuff. We also need to let go of our guilt and self-anger for what we did in the past.

The past is done and over with. The future is yet to be created. The present is where we do the creating. 

Be patient with yourself, as you would be with a child. And patiently and mindfully replace each negative thought with "Amituofo." 

Comments

[benny]

something i thought about but never manage to put in to words and today i read this! AMAZING!

[Beth]

Thank you for this message. Six years ago my child passed, and since then I have carried much guilt, to the point that I am making myself sick. My rational mind recognizes that it was not in my control, but my emotional self has not. I have not been able to forgive myself, and had not even considered that I deserve as much compassion and forgiveness as that which I am willing to offer to even the most hardened criminals. Today, as I journaled and asked myself how to release this anger I carry, I searched the internet for answers and was led to this post. I will hold the belief that I, too, am worthy of forgiveness, and will begin to work on forgiving myself.

What does Amituofo mean?

[Venerable Wuling]

Beth, I know of few things more terrible than the death of a child. Having spoken with parents who have lost children, I know how grief, and guilt, can overwhelm even years after the loss occurred.
Being angry with ourselves is in many ways more destructive than being angry with others as our self-anger taints all our thoughts and actions. A person angry with themselves cannot truly help others in ways that matter. So the way to care for others and forgive others starts with caring for and forgiving ourselves.
"Amituofo" is Chinese for Amitabha Buddha, the Buddha of the Western Pure Land. When our minds dwell on "Amituofo," (Amitabha Buddha) our minds dwell on all the Buddhas of the past, present, and future. So our minds are dwelling on perfect peace, loving-kindness, and happiness.