Our Grief is Our Own
March 13, 2008 
Question: I am deeply sorrowed and devastated by the Death of my Mother. I chanted "Namo Amitabha Buddha" hundreds of times repeatedly twice a day for almost 49 days since my beloved Mother died on Jan. 1, 2008 and I "asked" the Amitabha Buddha to witness/certify that I was transferring merits to my Mother and that with His Great Compassion He would help deliver my Mother to His Pure Land. I tried to connect my thought with my Mother and talked with her as though she was still alive to remind her of her good deeds and her "connection/involvement" with Buddhism when she was alive. I asked my Mother to think of Amitabha Buddha and chant His name and ask to be delivered to the Pure Land.
My burning question is to know where Mother is now. I need confirmation. Please, please help. Will she contact me...? How can I get in touch with her? I am like a lost bleeding soul wandering about life now that my Mother is gone. I missed Her so, so, so, so much. I want my Mother back. I deeply regret that I didn't do enough to help around when she was alive. Where is my Mother now? Please, please reply.
Thank you so much for your time.
Response: I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. So often when people write to me, I reply as best I can but explain that I am unable to truly feel what they are experiencing. But in responding to you, I can honestly say that I do understand how you feel. And that I am truly sorry for your loss and your suffering.
My mother died October 8, 2006. I too chanted for forty-nine days and tried to form a connection with her, to talk with her as if she was still with me and to encourage her to go to the Pure Land.
Like you, my burning thought was “Where is she now?” The thought that she might be suffering, the not knowing where she was caused me much pain. I too missed my mother, and still miss her, so very much. I too regretted that I didn’t do all that I could. I also regretted that I was not as patient as I should have been and that I was not a better daughter. So Peter, I do know your suffering.
That said, I do not have the ability to know where my mother—or your mother—is. I do not know whether your mother will contact you. But I do know we need to let our mother’s move on to their next life, whether it is in the Pure Land or again within samsara. Our grief is our own, we do not want it to pull our mothers back to us for that would cause them further suffering. Knowing we did not do as much as we could when they were alive, we need to try to do as much as we can now.
Please know that it may not be ours to know where our mothers now are. Also know that the suffering from your loss will ease. That sounds trite but it is true. I speak from experience. When my mother died, I wrote some entries here in the blog in the hope they would help others just a little bit. A few of them are here, here, and here. The rest are under the categories death and grief.
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