Nice Intentions, But No Durian, Thank You

When you love someone, you want him to be happy. If he is not happy, there is no way you can be happy. Happiness is not an individual matter. True love requires deep understanding. In fact, love is another name for understanding. If you do not understand, you cannot love properly. Without understanding, your love will only cause the other person to suffer.

In Southeast Asia, many people are extremely fond of a big fruit with many thorns called durian. You might even say that they are addicted to it. Its smell is extremely strong, and when some people finish eating the fruit, they put the skin under their bed so they can continue to smell it. To me, the smell of durian is horrendous.

One day when I was practicing chanting alone in my temple in Vietnam, there appeared to be one durian on the altar that had been offered to the Buddha. I was trying to recite the Lotus Sutra, using a wooden drum and a large bowl-shaped bell for accompaniment, but I could not concentrate at all. I finally decided to turn the bell over and imprison the durian so I could chant the sutra. After I finished, I bowed to the Buddha and liberated the durian. If you were to say to me, “I love you so much I would like you to eat some of this durian,” I would suffer. You love me, you want me to be happy, but you force me to eat durian. That is an example of love without understanding. Your intention is good, but you don’t have the correct understanding.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Touching Peace

Comments

[Claire]

I really love this story! I think all those who are capable of such intense love, including myself, should learn from this simple truth; i.e. to stop putting forward our own personal viewpoints over others in our expression of loving, as the best way to show our love to the other person is truly paying attention to what that other person need or prefer, rather than our own.