Five Ways for the Bereaved to Survive the Holidays
December 13, 2007 The holidays—be they centered around Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa—can be times of sadness, especially for those who have recently lost a loved one.
Last December, the first one after my mother died, I went to New York City for a few weeks at the thoughtful invitation of my cousin Deborah and her husband Bart. For the first time, I celebrated Hanukkah. My parents had always celebrated Christmas, not the religious aspects, but a time of family gatherings, children making presents for parents, building snowmen, and baking pies—from scratch. Mom baked great pies and cakes.
My first Hanukkah focused on the same things—family gatherings, outings to museums (snow would not fall for another month) and many evenings spent reading where the only sound was of pages turning and paper rustling. Deborah prepared wonderful meals for the three of us and for my other cousin, Milton, her children, and some close friends.
So my first “holidays” were spent in a new way for me. Or rather the format and the place was new. The love and closeness of family were the same, even though the faces were different.
This year, I will spend the holidays in Chicago and Toronto, lecturing at retreats and spending time with a different—and larger—family.
This is the way I have found to face the holidays after the death of my mother. There are other ways that may be more helpful for you. The December edition of The Center for Hospice and Palliative Care newsletter gives some good suggestions for the bereaved:
- Remember that the anticipation of the holidays without your loved one may be more difficult than the actual holidays themselves.
- Acknowledge that as a grieving person, you are not functioning at full capacity.
- Realize that you can redefine your expectations and determine what is most meaningful and what you can comfortably handle.
- Give yourself permission to let go of some traditions for this holiday season. Don’t be afraid to make changes.
- Don’t be afraid to enjoy the good things.
Those we loved wanted us to be happy. It will take time, but gradually, the regrets and pain will ease, and we will be happy again.
Reader Comments (4)
"I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any fellow human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again." (Variously attributed to quakers Stephen Grellet, 1773-1855, and William Penn, 1644-1718, and to Mahatma Gandhi, 1869-1948, Indian spiritual leader, humanitarian and constitutional independence reformer. This quote is also shown as a slightly different version, as above.)
"How wonderful it is that mobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
Ann Frank
Peace
How apropos! A friend of mine called the other day to say she wasn't sending Hanukka cards out because her Mom died unexpectedly in her sleep. I feel so bad for her. What you wrote is such a nice message I'd like to make a copy of it for her. Since I was raised Christian, I don't know what is the Jewish tradition of bereavement, can the family be visited during this time? I'd like to bring flowers to her, as that is my family's tradition, we also bring food too. Is this proper?
I'm not sure what traditions your friend will be observing, but surely she would appreciate the food. Flowers are sometimes not requested.
People brought me food after Mom died, and I really appreciated both the food and the caring. They made life just a bit easier.