I'm Sorry, Part One

When things do not go our way while interacting with others, we often end up in a bad mood and become angry. If we are being mindful and realize what is happening while there is still time to recoup, we can try something different.

When we have done something wrong, we can say “I’m sorry.” I realize that this sounds simplistic, but think about it. How often do we say we’re sorry? And mean it. Maybe we just say “Sorry.” Very noncommittal. Not to mention unclear. Does it mean we’re sorry or that the other person should be sorry? While “sorry” is better than nothing, it lacks the spoken ownership and our regret for our having done something wrong.

Hopefully, our realization of having behaved badly will lead to our wanting to improve what has just become an upsetting situation for all involved. An often difficult, but more useful alternative than justifying our actions, is available.

Look the other person in the eye, speak clearly, and say sincerely “I’m sorry.”

Comments

[Yvonne]

Dear Venerable:

If a person is truly sorry about something he or she has said or done, does it really matter if it's said in person or in a note? Perhaps the other party has said or done equally wrong too and owes an apology to that person? Wouldn't an apology in person lead the other to believe that they are expected to apologize too? By writing your apology down, you are not expecting anything in return. If you are sincere in your apology, that should be enough for them, and if it isn't, then they are not looking past themselves.

[Venerable Wuling]

Yvonne, are you asking if it's okay to write the apology and then give it to the person instead of saying it to them? If so, that's fine. The main thing is that we sincerely apologize for our incorrect behavior and present an opportunity to dissolve a potential enmity. This also help us develop humility.

I believe that whether or not we expect the other to apologize in return depends on our mindset, not the method of the apology.

Very often the other person feels badly as well. By our apologizing first, we might be helping them to admit that they too shared in the incorrect behavior.

Part of wisdom, which we are trying to uncover through our practice, is knowing how best to reach out to the other person.

Thank you for the good question!

[Sandy Boffa]

Dear Venerable,

I would very much like to bring myself and a few others from the Lisle Illinois Buddhist Library to your Dharma Talk on Oct. 22nd at 7pm in Elkhart. Could you please provide the appropriate area code for the phone # listed so I may call for information. All that is listed is the number 226-3809. Thank you very much :-)