D.A.N.C.E.

I have checked out a copy of When a Family Member Has Dementia by Susan M. McCurry from the amazingly well-stocked Elkhart Public Library. The library and the Daily Grind (great coffee and baked goods, and where we always run into friends) are my mother's and my favorite places here.

Dr. McMurry has a wonderful acronym for five core principles for caregiver's—DANCE.
Don't argue
Accept the disease
Nurture your physical and emotional health
use Creative problem solving
Enjoy the moment with your loved one

Very Buddhist! Don’t argue, accord with conditions, nurture both the body and the spirit, be flexible in resolving problems, and enjoy the moment.

In writing about the first principle of not arguing, McMurray provides tools to help the reader let go of the compulsion to argue. I have often spoken about how we argue because we believe we are right and the other person is clearly wrong. But so often in life, it is actually we who are wrong. We just don’t know it.

With dementia, the sad reality is that we as caregivers most likely are right. But in this situation, it is even more futile to argue, and even worse, it causes the other person pain. Either they realize they are wrong once again, or they are frustrated or saddened over a situation they cannot fully grasp.

To help people not feel compelled to argue, McMurray proposes what she calls caring detachment. “The first secret to being able to give up arguing is detachment. Detachment is not emotional indifference or pretense that nothing is the matter…Rather it is a very loving action of genuinely accepting the other person as he is, not as you want him to be.”

As Buddhists, we strive to let go of attachments—to care with detachment. We are not unconcerned or uncaring, rather, we accept others as they are and do not burden them with having to live up to our expectations.

Everything changes—relationships, abilities, situations—everything. If we expect that those we love will always remain the caring, wonderful people we know so well, that they will always be there for us, we are setting ourselves up for much suffering. If instead, we can let go of our frustration and sadness over things changing, let go of the fears of what will happen tomorrow, of our fear that we will prove inadequate to the task, we will be able to move out of ourselves and to focus on the other person. To listen to the other person. And to care for the other person, for who they have become, and for the memory of who they once were.

Amituofo