Question: What can I do when I become depressed and even think of harming myself?
Response: Dwelling on the painful things in our lives can lead us into depression and even suicidal thoughts. But suicide only delays and increases the suffering, and does nothing to end it.
When I was young, I had appendicitis. As we were getting ready to leave for the hospital, I don't remember whether my father took my hand or I asked him to. But I clearly remember asking him to squeeze my hand, hard. The pain from the appendix was excruciating. But I realized that my father's squeezing my hand to the point it hurt (I can only imagine how difficult this must have been for him) took my mind off the pain from my about-to-burst appendix.
I could not focus on both at the same time.
This memory came to me when I read the following by Ven. K. Sri Dhammananda in How to Overcome Your Difficulties:
'“A noted British anatomist was once asked by a student what was the best cure for fear, and he answered, ‘Try doing something for someone.’ The student was considerably astonished by the reply, and requested further enlightenment whereupon his instructor said, ‘You can’t have two opposing sets of thoughts in your mind at one and the same time.’ One set of thoughts will always drive the other out. If, for instance, your mind is completely occupied with an unselfish desire to help someone else, you can’t be harbouring fear at the same time.”
Our feelings arise from what we tell ourselves. Trying to break negative thought patterns is very difficult, but this is what our practice seeks to do: to replace what is bad with what is good. Since we all have our own karmic pasts and habits, we each need to find what works for us. But essentially, we need to break into the current line of thoughts with something that pulls our mind away from what is bothering us.
Essentially, Ven. K. Sri Dhammananda, the anatomist, and I are saying the same thing: replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
If I can replace one depressing thought with just one caring thought, I will have begun to turn my mind away from sadness or depression towards happiness. And with more of my thoughts arising from my caring for others, my own state of mind will be more firmly rooted in happiness.
Is this easy?
Of course not.
Is it possible and worthwhile?
Definitely!