Dan Hallock’s early childhood growing up on a farm in upper New York State with his five siblings was idyllic in many ways. There was hard work, as there always is on a farm, but overall it was a very good life.
It lasted until Dan’s father began an affair and abandoned his wife and six children. When his wife asked her departing husband what she and the children were going to do, he replied that they’d survive. Dan’s mother began to drink. The six siblings started taking drugs and drinking as well. Dan’s anger at his father turned to hatred.
Luckily for Dan, he was a good student. After graduating from high school and a stint in the US Navy ROTC, he was accepted into an Ivy League university. After graduation, he began working in the defense industry. But then everything started to fall apart. Dan’s girlfriend of four years, who he hoped to marry, left him. All his friends were happy and moving on with successful careers and family lives. But Dan was doing more and more drugs, and floundering. One night it all became too much. He took an excessive amount of cocaine, got in his car, and drove as fast as he could. In the morning, he woke up back in his apartment with what he considered yet another failure—he hadn’t managed to kill himself.
Some time later, a friend asked Dan when he had last seen his father. Dan thought back. It had been twenty-six years. The friend encouraged Dan to contact him and tell him that he loved him. Dan rejected the idea angrily. The man had destroyed his mother’s life and Dan’s and his siblings’ childhood!
Nonetheless, the idea gradually took hold as Dan began to accept that he, too, had made bad choices. It had been his choice to drink and do drugs. And he chose to be selfish and to nurse a grudge against his father. Still, he continued to reject the idea of forgiving him. But the friend persisted. Time was running out. Dan realized that he now felt ambivalent about his father. Did he still hate the man? He wasn’t sure. Holding a grudge for twenty-six years might be long enough.
Not knowing how things would turn out, Dan arranged to meet his father. After a drive that took him a few hours, he arrived at the beach they had agreed upon, parked his car, and waited as the rain fell. His father was nowhere in sight.
As he continued waiting, Dan noticed a stooped elderly man walking slowly near the water’s edge. Watching him, a memory stirred. Dan got out of his car and approached the man. It was his father. But he looked so very different from what Dan had long pictured. This wasn’t a flamboyant man who had chosen life with his mistress over one with a wife and six children. This was an old man who had been worn down by decades of struggle, a life of regret, and suffering dating back to his own childhood, which, ironically, had also been shattered by infidelity.
Dan realized that he hadn’t done much better than his father because he, too, had made selfish choices. He too had hurt others. He needed forgiveness as much as his father did. And with that realization, Dan reached out. The two men held each other as they wept together.
Dan had finally forgiven his father and “unlocked his heart.”
Some years later, Dan’s life was very different. Happily married and with three children, his life had become peaceful and joyful. As he said, “If you’re carrying grudges, especially in your family, go find the person you think you hate, and hug them and tell them you love them.”
Dan’s hatred of his father illustrates not just the futility, but the harm, of our holding on to bitterness. Like himself, Dan’s mother and siblings had gotten caught up in self-destructive behavior. Watching his friends enjoying their happy home lives while he was spiraling downward, Dan had become increasingly despondent and frustrated.
He had changed from a popular, carefree child into a grievance-filled man who was unable to forgive. What he had become was his choice. Not a rational one that had been carefully thought out, but a choice all the same. And with that choice came dire consequences, including alcohol and drug addiction, depression, a life that had lost purpose, unrelenting anger toward his father.
Such giving in to anger and holding on to grievances takes us where we really do not want to go—a stress-filled existence of anxiety, despondency, and various mental and emotional disorders. These, in turn, can manifest as physical impairments.
Relationship-wise, hating someone can also taint our other relationships. It is difficult to unreservedly care about one person while hating another. Trust is elusive as thoughts that this person may also betray us linger in the recesses of our mind. Dan spoke of “unlocking his heart.” When we hate, we are effectively locking our heart to that person. Once locked, it’s easier to later lock it again. And yet again.
We are living in a time of pervasive change including those due to social and racial issues, religious and political polarization, climate change and environmental degradation. All of these and more as we suffered through a global pandemic the ramifications of which are still being felt. Such changes make us anxious and fearful. Fearful people don’t make the wisest choices. Unwise choices can find us easily irritated, nursing grudges, and seeking revenge, not forgiveness.
Such reactions happen so readily that we assume they’re natural. Fortunately, they aren’t because our nature is inherently good. Unfortunately, we’ve buried it under lifetimes of bad habits. Thus, acting from our true nature and forgiving someone may well no longer feel natural. It can feel like, and be, hard work.
Replacing an existing bad habit with a good one takes determination and repeated application for the new behavior to become effective and feel natural. Once we go through this process and forgive someone, a further step may be possible—reconciliation.
Whether this is pursued depends on the conditions of those involved. In many instances, forgiveness, whether diligently pursued or arising more naturally, is all that is possible for us. Quite understandable. Forgiveness is difficult for most of us, and so, regrettably, not often a daily occurrence. Consider how many news stories and social media posts we see about rage compared to those about forgiveness. But as challenging as forgiveness is, there are instances when conditions are conducive for those involved to move on to reconciliation.
Reconciliation restores harmony for both parties. Dan could reconcile with the man who had deserted his family because a good friend encouraged him to tell his father that he loved him. At first, this advice only made Dan all the more angry. The idea that he could love his father, the man who had ruined his life, must have seemed unthinkable. Even more absurd was the idea of telling him that he loved him. Dan angrily rejected the idea.
But fortunately, the friend persevered, and Dan and his father eventually reconciled. Their reconciliation restored harmony to the father-son relationship and to Dan’s life overall. As a result, he now lives a peaceful and fulfilling life with his wife and children.
But in many situations, conditions are not right for reconciliation. We may not wish to reconcile. Or we do, but the other person does not. Possibly, since the person who committed the act is unknown, we do not know who to reconcile with. Perhaps both of us have moved on in our lives and are no longer in contact. Maybe the person has died. Whatever the reason, even though we have forgiven them, reconciliation is not possible.
Knowing this should not stop us from working on the first step of forgiveness. While the other person will not immediately benefit because there is no second step, no reconciliation taking place, we have planted seeds. Borne out of forgiveness and our desire to have a reconciliation, the seeds spring hope for a better relationship when we meet again in a future life. Our willingness to reconcile will bring us an increased sense of peace and well-being.
Fortunately, there are times when forgiveness does lead to reconciliation. A former good relationship that went bad can be restored when this happens. The relationship between Dan and his father is an example of this. Dan’s early childhood was good. But then his father abandoned the family. After decades of separation and Dan’s eventual forgiveness, the two men reconciled.
Or maybe the situation is one where an acrimonious relationship becomes harmonious. For example, we previously learned in “Friendship: It Was a Mistake,” that after Ian Manuel shot Debbie Baigrie, she underwent more than forty surgical procedures. And yet, understanding that thirteen-year-old kids do “stupid” things, she forgave him and, as Ian said, she became like a mother to him.
These two examples show how reconciliation moves both parties to a better place, emotionally. When Ian was released after twenty-six years in prison, one of the first things he did was to meet Debbie, as agreed, in a parking lot near where the shooting took place. They hugged for two minutes.
Reconciliation can either restore a once cordial relationship or bring harmony to one that is bitter. In the heat of the moment, we all can do stupid things. Whether we are the one forgiving or the one being forgiven, reconciliation allows us to grow and move on. The one who forgives lets go of bitterness and gains fulfillment. The one who is forgiven feels grateful and gains a second chance. Both are freed from being trapped haplessly in the past. Freed from replaying what happened. Freed from what if and if only situations that only reinforce our suffering. Instead of feeling like a helpless victim or a terrible person, both are freed through forgiveness and reconciliation.
Whether we are motivated by another’s gift of forgiveness or happy that we were able to offer it, we will feel lighter as a newfound sense of peace and joy seeps into other areas of our lives.
The gift of a more peaceful, joyful future is an amazing one.
And truth be told, we all need forgiveness and would benefit from reconciliation. How rare and wondrous to realize this as we either offer such an incredible gift to another or gratefully accept one generously offered to us.
December 21, 2024 
